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THE WALKING DEAD – Season Two Premiere Analysis: The Fuck Up List…

19 Oct

I wasn’t disappointed enough with Season 1 to write a review COUGH… scathing analysis. However after three minutes of the Season 2 Premiere I quickly changed my mind.

The Season starts off with a recap of how awful the 1st season was which I brought back fond memories of wasting hours of my life hoping the actors would suddenly learn how to act.

Then it kicks in with the main character Rick Grimes talking about his feelings over a walkie talkie to someone from the first or second episode thats been dead for weeks. It quickly moves to their caravan of survivors rolling out of ATL to Fort Bennett. They quickly become stuck on the highway due to overturned cars and gridlocked traffic. Oh and then their 30 year old RV surprisingly breaks down…

FUCK UP #1 – In the Zombie Apocalypse, invest in new whips and equipment and by INVEST I mean STEAL something new that isn’t 30 FUCKING YEARS OLD. Nobody gives a shit what you steal; EVERYONE IS FUCKING DEAD.

As the kids wander off in a sea of cars and they all meander away solo to reluctantly scavenge supplies, an old man on a roof keeping watch doesn’t see a pack of zombies walk up behind him from the direction they just came 10 minutes ago (somehow driving right past a pack of 200 zombies?). Finally, they notice they have company. They are 50 yards away… Officer Rick Grimes stands among the cars with his sniper rifle breaking all rules of having a fuckin sniper rifle in your hands.

FUCK UP #2 – Put someone with a SNIPER RIFLE and better vision than a 70 year old on fucking roof for look out detail.

He warns the group of the impending horror and has everyone hide in the safest places possible with the easiest way to escape… underneath cars and trucks.

FUCK UP #3 – Don’t hide from a wandering herd of zombies underneath cars and trucks. No where to run and you have to watch your buddies get eaten alive if they are seen.

The stupid blonde (that put her hand BEHIND her sisters head before blowing her head off in the last episode) finds herself in the RV trying to solve the impossible puzzle of reassembling her handgun which is in a mere 5 pieces. She suddenly realizes she’s in the midst of a few hundred zombies and brings all her gun pieces into the shower dropping them and making noise.

FUCK UP #4 – They didn’t let this bitch die in the shower.

One of the last zombies find the little girl and she runs into the woods with two zombies chasing her. Rick Grimes gives pursuit and rolls down a hill losing his rifle in the process… He still has his Sheriff issue circa 1875 giant chrome revolver.

FUCK UP #5… ughhh don’t lose your weapons…

Rick Grimes finds the girl, hides her, runs a quarter mile, bonks the zombies on the head with a rock and smashes their brains out, and when he comes back three minutes later the girl has wandered away and completely disappeared thus wasting more of my life.

FUCK UP #5 – Bonk them with rocks without losing a little girl and wasting 2 days. Actually just fuckin shoot them. This decision ends up fucking him sideways.

Him and some other men search for the girl until dark with no luck and continue the next day. Also the son conveniently finds a bag of the entire line of Gerber Bear Gryls machetes, knives and hatchets. (Yay for shameless product placement…) They resume the search in the morning with no luck. The law of stupid decisions has a chain of negative reactions…

Gerber Karang Machete

Dumb bitch walking thru woods with a machete resting on her neck...

FUCK UP #6 – The group is too incompetent to split up and cover more ground despite having a large amount of functioning guns.

They can’t find her and the most of the group gets sent back to the RV. At this point I realize that they are almost all walking around with purses and shitty backpacks and clothes. One lady is wearing a doyle sweater shirt… she must have checked the weather forecast.

FUCK UP #7 – Don’t go on a Search & Rescue hike in the woods with bags and food you can’t easily run with if needed. Wear legitimate clothes.

For a lack of having his walkie talkie, Rick talks to Jesus this time and makes me loathe the profession of acting. I’m still waiting for someone in the cast to die…  Oh and I mean in real life, not on the show.

Rick, his son, and Shane Walsh, his partner are walking back through the woods when they see a white tail deer in their path. Shane levels his gun to shoot it but the son Carl unexplainably walks towards it and Rick calls Shane off. The men smile gaily while Carl walks towards the deer (in his blaze orange jacket)… and eats a fuckin bullet in the chest that passes right through the deer. PWNED.  Must have been one of those domesticated deers that don’t give a shit if walk up to them despite the fact there 3 men with guns standing close by.

FUCK UP #8 – If you are in a survival situation, SHOOT THE FUCKING DEER.

Is it wrong that I cheered out loud when the boy got shot? Has retard karma finally come full circle for this group? Don’t know and don’t care, all I know is that someone got smoked in this episode and that’s the only reason I’m watching it.

I also found it HILARIOUS that the reason the girl got lost is because Rick didn’t want to shoot his gun to save her life and his son just got smoked through the LUNG by someone merely catching a MEAL. HA! IRONY! See ya next week bitches!

Disclaimer: Yes I have Zombie OCD when it comes to attention to detail.  Go fuck yourself!

 
4 Comments

Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Author, Entertainment, It Was Written, Mazz, Random Cool Shit

 

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4 responses to “THE WALKING DEAD – Season Two Premiere Analysis: The Fuck Up List…

  1. vanessajustice

    December 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    This is really funny and you have a lot of the same gripes as I do, namely, why are all the ladies such stupid bitches who wear inappropriate clothing?

     
    • Mazz

      December 17, 2011 at 5:48 pm

      Yeah the finale was good though sort of redeemed the season I suppose. The rest of the season wasn’t bad enough to inspire further bashing.

      Its more of a drama with zombies in it than a typical zombie show which is probably what drives me nuts. At least it wasn’t as bad as last season.

       
  2. MT

    June 15, 2012 at 12:27 am

    It is not a “sheriff issue circa 1875 chrome revolver” you self righteous prick. simply its a colt python not all that “circa 1875” crap (also the revolver your talking about is a single action which fires a .45 not .357 mag stated in show. make your own show if its got so many problems or turn the channel and forget it you stupid cynic. you make mistakes also you idiotic hypocrite.

     
    • Mazz

      July 20, 2012 at 6:34 am

      Last I checked Police issue was a 9mm Beretta. Maybe they are all going old school with the Dirty Harry .45 six shooter these days. Either way in a zombie apocalypse do you want a 6 shooter that’s hard as shit to load and impossible to find ammo for OR do you want some with a ten round MAGAZINE that you can easily reload? And who is the hypocrite? I’m a hater, you are a hater and hating on me and calling me a hypocrite. If my post “got so many problems” then change the web page. I’d poop on you some more but that’s all you really gave me to work with. But thanks for reading yo!

       

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