Maybe it’s because I’m an 80’s baby, but I’ve always associated the word “Boss” with Tony Danza. So recently I had an epiphany when I realized that at some point, Rick Ross totally jacked Tony Danza’s “Boss” title… What the fuck man!? You can’t just go and do that shit without a formal BigSteez analysis… So now I’m forced to go and play a game called:
—WHO THE FUCK IS “THE BOSS”—
Since this is a “Title Fight” it will be 5 rounds or til there’s a KO.
Round One: WHO ARE THEY: The Basics…
RICK ROSS – Black rap dude with an amazing beard and a butt load of tattoos. I say that because he has so many tattoos, odds are he has some on his butt cheeks. But that many is definitely “Bossish” in that he hired a ton of artists to tattoo the said buttocks.
TONY DANZA – A good lookin, good cookin, Italian American actor. His unorthodox portrayal of a funny, sensitive, domestic male probably made him the 1990s largest target for girls to throw their vaginas at. A very “Boss Like” quality indeed… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who’s_the_Boss%3F
ROUND ONE GOES TO DANZA: Danza’s Pussy magnet > a huge beard & tats.
Round Two: QUALIFICATIONS…
TONY DANZA – Keeps Angela, her mom, and Alyssa Milano in check. And I suppose the fact a woman is paying him to do housework is pretty awesome. But she’s his Boss… Not a Boss-like quality! BUT then he NAILS her. AND gets paid? Damn this guy is smooth!
ROUND TWO GOES TO DANZA: Danza flossing double-reverse-counter-pimp skills all over Rick Ross’ beardly face.
Round Three: STREET CREDENTIALS… AKA The BACKGROUND CHECK
RICK ROSS: Real name: William Leonard Roberts… ummm Billy Bob? WTF!!! NOT A BOSS NAME!
Back to the coke shit. So he jacked his rap name from a convicted drug traffiker “Freeway” Ricky Ross who consequently sued “Billy Bob” for 10 Million dollars! Oh shit! Stealing his name and then tryna steal the “Boss” title? ARGHH SWAGGER JACKING! Rapper Freeway also took his nickname from “Freeway” Ricky Ross so Billy Bob got the left overs AND the lawsuit. AND Freeway’s beard is cooler too! Not a smart decision, out-hustled and out-bearded before he cut his first single!
Also some of his “Hustlin” claims are too outrageous; “The real Noreaga, he owe me a hundred favors…” Come on maaan that’s make-believe Lego Land. The Clipse are the Kings of Coke Rap so he’s not even top of the food chain here (oh shit fat person irony!). Also I found that 50 Cent destroyed him in some beef raps after Rick Ross started talking shit, probably to try and sell records. 50 found out he was a correctional officer, Ross denied it, then had to admit it after overwhelming evidence.
“It never gets worse than this. You get a guy that was a correctional officer come out and base his entire career on writing material from a drug dealer’s perspective.” – 50 Cent owning Rick Ross hard.
Ross does have a huge diamond pendant with his own fat bearded face on it though and THAT is pretty fuckin awesome.
TONY DANZA: Real name: Antonio Salvatore Iadanza… That’s a bosslike name. Also has a mathcore/grindcore band named in his honor: “The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza” They are one of my favorite bands but regardless, I have to give this round to Danza on the basis of Rick Ross’ trumped up blow BS, shitty failed beef with 50 Cent and overall failure to impress me as a legitimate rapper.
ROUND THREE GOES TO DANZA: By default.
Round Four: SEX APPEAL…
RICK ROSS: Lives in Miami and is (hood) rich, probably gets skanks all day everyday but for a rich black dude that’s really not saying much. The fact that he looks like an inked up hybrid of Chef from South Park and Jabba the Hut probably isn’t gonna win him this round though… Man tits? Not helping either.
TONY DANZA: This round isn’t even fair, Danza is a pussy magnet. He just smiles and says something stupid and the panties stack themselves in a pile in the corner. Plus I bet you twenty bucks he banged Alyssa Milano with 3-4 days of her turning 18. Ok so he probably didn’t wait that long but he still wins.
ROUND FOUR GOES TO DANZA: Reason – tits.
Round Five: LEGACY…
RICK ROSS: Rappers these days are a dime a dozen. Honestly I’ve gone and listened to alot of Rick Ross while writing this article (yeah I did research on this stupid article) and I do like his flow and his chubby voice but his tracks are hit or miss and his albums are weak shit. I don’t see him lasting too long in the music industry; he’s too fat and as history shows us, fat rappers unfortunately don’t live past there 4th or 5th album. Plus 50 buried him and even Game admitted that. That’s just fucking pathetic…
TONY DANZA: Personally I think Danza is a pretty good actor, he always made me laugh. And Who’s the Boss was on for a pretty decent run (1984-1992. Actually looking at his iMDB page, dude has been “Hustlin, Hustlin, Hustlin” in Hollywood since 1978… 33 years folks. Granted I couldn’t tell you a single thing he was in besides WTB and The Tony Danza Show but a 33 year career is eight times longer than Rick Ross’ will likely be after he commits Krispy Kremeicide.
ROUND FIVE GOES TO DANZA: He out hustled the hustler… Well done Danza.
RECAP: I actually wasn’t expecting this to be a 5 round beat down by Danza but after doing some research, Rick Ross kind of sucks. At one point while writing this article, I realized Tony Danza could bake a cake that looked like Rick Ross’ face and Rick Ross would probably eat the whole fucking thing in 3 minutes, yell “BAWSE!” when he was done and spray cake crumbs all over his chubby Isaac Hayes beard and bug eyed sunglasses. Indeed, both a weird visual and premonition of defeat. So Danza is officially the “Boss” until someone with some decent cred steals “Boss” and dethrones him. I’m sure I will be around to write an excessively long article about their man boobs as well. Peace bitches!